Here are some thoughts I recently expressed to a friend in an email conversation on the subject of Taharat Mishpachah (Family Purity):
The whole issue of taharat mishpacha for me is not so much about the halacha of niddah, but about the spiritual elements of keeping taharat mishpacha. The whole field was certainly at first a big hurdle for me, but then slowly, many of my apprehensions fell away, because I realised that it is not so much about the laws, but about a heightened spiritual element within a relationship - like a confirmation that a sexual relationship is not just sexual (although it is also sexual!), it is also kadosh. (Noa Lewis in particular opened this up for me in an amazing way.) But I also make choices (with David) about our level of comfort and observance and I now have a truly wonderful new aspect to my existence which has been at different times incredibly moving, hugely erotic, spiritually uplifting...
I also want to stress that at no point has anyone who exists within the framework of taharat mishpacha, when discussing this subject with me, ever referred to women as being impure and it is a shame that this is how it was discussed with you. I have never been made to feel that I am at anytime impure - not any part of me. It has always been my understanding that being niddah is about being niddah - a kind of different space that is determined by one's menstrual cycle - but it is not about being impure. In fact, the only times I have ever heard this word used is by people outside of the framework. Sure there are times when we are supposed to maintain a separation but that is not built on a foundation of a woman's impurity.
And then there is the mikveh...The discussions I have with women who go to the mikveh regularly about mikveh have always been positive and often very powerful. I can tell you about a friend who recently went to the mikveh for the first time who came back home literally glowing - so much so that people (who didn't know where she had been) actually commented on it. And my mikveh experiences have been a range of truly meaningful female events...where it is my time, and my experience and my moment. And the women who assist me are warm and helpful and genuinely excited about the fact that I am going to be joining with my husband again...keen and excited and fresh (and, yes, they are also excited that we might create a child from that union) so that each time I go to the mikveh it is an uplifting experience.
Whether you think that swabs are nuts is up to you. Maybe they are. What I think about this and what I do in this area is not really relevant. The bedikot are part of the discourse of halacha and are, in my view, about erring on the side of caution in the protection of spiritual and practical concepts. How one reacts to the principle is an individual thing. I am very happy to accept that many aspects of halacha are problematic, but I also believe that the problematic bits are in the minority. So much of halacha - including in this area - is amazingly insightful and shows a real understanding of the tendencies and frailties of human nature. So much of it is also about protection. Much of the halacha of niddah is about protecting women and about ensuring that they have a safety net in their relations with their husbands - many of whom may not have been terribly well informed about women and may not always be sensitive to the needs of their wives.
But this is all my take on it. And my take requires a basic acceptance of the underlying spiritual foundations of halacha. I believe that if one doesn't subscribe to this, if it is simply a series of cold, hard laws, then none of it would make any sense. And I guess here is where the story you referred to about the woman with the mastectomy comes in: I do know anything about the story you refer to, but I think there are certainly issues that can arise within a halachic framework that can seem very cruel and unfair. And that definitely happens and then one asks oneself what is the sense (or where is the justice) in all this. And maybe there isn't in this case - I don't know the particulars. But just because this situation is rubbish, doesn't make the whole discourse rubbish. And halacha is not the only area of human discourse which is flawed and which has certain instances where outcomes are unfair or maybe even wrong. What it means, as far as I am concerned, is that the area needs to be examined and appraised. And sometimes this is happening and, sadly, sometimes it is not.
In connection with this appraisal, for me the whole concept of niddah is a female discourse - much like the female fertility rites of other spiritual discourses. It is an area for women, which exists in parallel with the area of marriage and family. But I do believe that much of it is about a woman having her own time, being able to give time to herself and her body, of her connection with her sexual identity, her sense of fertility and womanhood. And because of this, I do truly believe that this area of Jewish life needs to be controlled and owned by women. So, I am really pleased to see stuff like the Nishmat initiative because I think this is a step in the direction of Jewish women finally reclaiming this area as their own.
Those are my views on this area. But I am fully aware that I don't know enough and as I keep banging on about women owning this area of halacha, it is my responsibility to take part in this process - so, hence, I want to learn and know more and be empowered to make more decisions...
Other interesting websites:
Wikpedia - Women in Judaism, including its section on family purity.
Chabad's online magazine - The Jewish Woman
Two sites on Taharat Mishpachah - jew.faq.com and myjewishlearning.com
